THE PEOPLE OF THE STATE OF MICHIGAN V. EDWARD ALOYSIUS CRUMB

There was a buzz in the John B. Collins 14B District Court in Ypsilanti, Michigan. The fact that there was a buzz about ANYTHING in Ypsilanti was a cause for celebration for the Chamber of Commerce, as they could finally promote that something was happening in the town other than people driving through it as quickly as possible to get to Ann Arbor.

Regardless, the local press was staked out in the courtroom as the scandalous trial of Edward Aloysius Crumb continued. “Eddie” was a formerly small-time scammer, but it took a long time for him to get caught in this current scheme. Now, here he was. On trial for stealing and using 247 credit cards.

“I swear they were just lying around!” said Eddie in his police interrogation. “I’m not a thief! I’m a collector of financial curiosities.”

One could excuse stealing and using 246 credit cards, perhaps, but 247 was a bridge too far. And so, it was time for Eddie to face the music. He wasn’t worried, however. After all, in his opinion, he had an excellent attorney.

The fact that he was representing himself was only the first notable thing in the “trial of the century.” (Well, at least in Ypsilanti.)

The bailiff ordered everyone to rise for the honorable Judge Wellington P. Crankshaft. As Crankshaft entered, he looked like someone who was born wearing a permanent expression of disappointment. Just shy of five foot seven, he made up for it with a towering ego and the volume of a retired opera baritone. Thick eyebrows arched like disapproving hedges over eyes that squinted at nonsense the way a cat regards a vacuum cleaner. He believed in justice, the Constitution, and, above all else, no refunds.

Crankshaft took his seat and banged his gavel “Clarence” on the table. Clarence was a custom-ordered mallet made from reclaimed bowling alley wood and frequently used as a percussion instrument when needed.

The judge glared. “Mister Crumb, I must ask you again. Are you indeed sure that you want to continue to defend yourself in this trial, refusing proper representation?”

“Yes, your majesty…” Crumb stated before the judge cut him off with a bang of Clarence.

“Honor,” Crankshaft retorted.

“Your majesty honor,” Crumb concluded. “I am ready to proceed.”

“Call your first witness,” the judge ordered, already frustrated with the day’s proceedings and wishing that his constant requests to bring back instant hangings in the courtroom would be acknowledged and not just dismissed as the ravings of a syphilitic magistrate. His syphilis was under control. This court case was not.

Eddie started with his character witnesses. First up, a parrot named MasterCardigan. When the prosecutor tried to object, Eddie countered that the parrot was no ordinary bird. It was a “Certified Fraud Prevention Specialist” who once squawked “DECLINED!” every time Eddie tried to buy something over $50.

“DECLINED!” MasterCardigan screeched at that moment, as if to prove Eddie’s point. It also uttered such non sequiturs as “Two-for-one sushi!” and “That’s not your PIN, genius!” before Eddie finally stated, “No further questions, your majesty honor.”

The prosecutor chose not to cross examine.

Next up was Eddie’s ex-girlfriend, Chardonnay LaFleur. A former makeup counter salesperson turned self-proclaimed “spiritual entrepreneur,” she wore leopard print heels, oversized sunglasses, and a sequined blouse that read “Manifest This.”

Her testimony was a chaotic blend of grudges, half-truths, and unsolicited life advice. At one point, she tried to sell her essential oils to the jury. When asked if Eddie had ever confessed to credit card fraud, she replied: “Honey, Eddie couldn’t confess to a sandwich order without screwing it up.”

Eddie was about to call his third witness for the day: a man in a bathrobe apparently named “The Prophet Visa,” who, Eddie claimed, only spoke in haiku. At that point, Crankshaft threatened Crumb with contempt, bringing an end to that day’s witnesses.

The trial dragged on. A stenographer went on strike, demanding hazard pay. It should be noted here for posterity that due to a clerical error, the jury foreperson was inexplicably replaced halfway through the trial by a local ventriloquist’s dummy. The court failed to take notice.

Day eight of the trial. Eddie cross examined a mannequin that was wearing one of the outfits he ALLEGEDLY bought with stolen funds. He insisted the mannequin “gave him consent.” Eddie then quickly ducked as Clarence was hurled towards him with great speed and force by Crankshaft.

Finally, closing arguments. Eddie faced the jury, all with wooden looks on their faces. Especially the dummy. “Ladies, gentlemen, and marionettes, you’ve heard and seen a lot of things. But what you couldn’t have known is why I should be acquitted. Why, you ask? Because the arresting officer… was actually the man who committed all this fraud in the first place. My identical twin brother… Teddy!”

Gasps filled the room as Teddy Crumb stood up in the gallery. Indeed, he was an identical twin. Surprisingly, nobody had noticed that before. They were instead usually too focused on the tuna and broccoli sandwiches that Teddy insisted on eating during the daily proceedings. (The retching could be heard from Port Huron.)

“Order! Order!” screeched Crankshaft, banging Clarence down repeatedly. As the police grabbed the protesting Teddy to arrest him, Eddie looked expectantly at Crankshaft.

“Yes, yes, you’re free to go,” bellowed the judge. “Get the hell out… I never want to lay eyes on you again!”

Eddie gave Teddy a supportive pat on the shoulder before running out the back door and hopping on a Rascal scooter. Chardonnay was there to jump on behind him.

“I knew you couldn’t have done it, Eddie!” she squealed. “Let’s go somewhere fancy to celebrate… like Toledo!”

“You got it, baby! How do you like the new ride?” Eddie grinned.

“Love it! But how did you pay for it?” she replied.

“What else?” Eddie laughed. “Put it on someone else’s credit card.”

Eddie revved the scooter, and the now reunited couple sped off into the cool Michigan night.

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